Water is beginning to boil on the stove, preparing itself to produce tender noodles. My two bigs are playing cars in the living room and dining room. Back and forth they go from one room to the next calling out orders to one another. My 15 month old is at my feet, playing with a stack of cups, taking a sip of milk in-between stacking and unstacking them (it’s his favorite thing at the moment). My ears are overwhelmed with all the sounds. Good sounds of real, alive little people growing and changing and creating in my midst.
As I pour the noodles into the pan, I hear the glorious sound of the garage door. Daddy is home. I let out a sigh I didn’t know I was holding back and smiled inside. Relief, happiness, and contentment spread through my body as the kids stand at the baby gate, waiting for their Daddy to stride up the steps. Hugs and about one thousand words spill out of my kids’ mouths as they tell him about the game they are playing. Baby in one hand, he pulls me close and asks ‘how was your day?’ After competing with my kids to get a few words in edgewise about our day, our main man heads down the hall to change from his 8-5 gear into shorts and a t-shirt. Five minutes later he is back and as I finish preparing dinner, we chat. The kids graciously give us time before dinner to discuss the day and our newest podcast learnings about the keto diet, relearning stuff as an adult, and an unbelievable, sad story about brave military men fighting for our freedom. And then the semi-controlled chaos ensued with dinner, an adventure outside, then baths and bed.
In the season of raising babes up to be kind, loving human beings, it’s easy for my relationship with my husband to be shelved for awhile to do the vital, nonnegotiable work of caring for little humans. And it does get pushed to the side often. But I find when Kevin and I take time to connect, to look at each other and have a real discussion about things other than schedules and kids, it does something. It binds us, builds us stronger. The definition of connect is: ‘bring together or into contact so that a real or notional link is established’. When we let the kids play for an extra ten minutes before dinner and have a conversation, we connect and build a ‘notional link’.
A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. -Andre Maurois
Connecting with my husband on a random Tuesday night yields other benefits as well. One, I like him more. This sounds silly, but I noticed a feeling of fondness towards him on nights when we are able to pause the noise and look at each other. The connection we form in a ten minute conversation helps me to see my husband as the loving, amazing human being that he is and not just as a person who completes certain tasks and duties. Another benefit is I know what is going on in his world. I know how to love and serve him better because we have real, actual dialogue. And let’s be real, talking with my better half helps me to stay sane. Staying at home with my kids is my dream come true, but some interaction with my spouse is absolutely vital for me to not lose my marbles.
Research done by Sarah M. Flood and Katie R. Genadek reports couples with children spend less time together than non parents, which is not surprising to any of us. (I love when research proves common sense.) But, their research also showed couples who spent time together were happier and had less stress during the time spent with a spouse when contrasted to time spent apart. So we know time spent together is vital and life-giving and good.
Connecting with a spouse looks different in different seasons. Six years ago we had an abundance of time to chat, complete projects together, and dream. If you would have told me then I would be thrilled with talking to my husband for ten minutes before dinner, I would have questioned our ability to have a solid marriage in the midst of having children. But, we don’t know what we don’t know. Things change, we adjust, we make concessions, and we make it work because family is oh so worth it. Those ten minutes are what we can do right now day to day in between weekend getaways every six months or so and the random date nights. Every season is different, just like in the next season of carpool and soccer games we will have to find creative ways to connect. Whatever season of life, connection with a spouse helps a marriage to thrive, which in turn helps us women to thrive in other areas. A solid marriage aids us to be happier moms, daughters, employees, and friends.
How do you connect with your spouse? Maybe it’s a phone call in the middle of the day. Maybe it’s coffee before the babes wake. Maybe it’s a glass of wine after all is quiet at the end of the day. Maybe it’s a walk as the kids ride their bikes. Maybe you’re in a season of date nights and trips away. Whatever brings you closer, whatever helps you to connect, I challenge myself and you readers to try and be intentional about making it happen as often as you can. How can you connect today?