Margin for the Season

Margin, white space, a spare amount…of time.

I remember the first Christmas season I was forced to slow down.  I was seven months pregnant with a major home renovation underway.  Dust covered every surface of our home daily, my husband and I were sleeping on a bed in the basement with carpet pulled up and no ceiling, and our handy contractor Bob popped in and out of our living room several times a day.  Our circumstances forced me to simplify our gift giving, our calendar, basically our entire life.  Naturally, more margin was created because I was pregnant and tired from all the dusting.  I had to say ‘no’, had to be home more, had to simplify.

It was freeing to do only the things we really needed and wanted to do.  It was exciting to have space on our calendar to see a friend last minute in December.  It was more peaceful than I remember Christmas being in the past, even with the plastic sheeting in the hallway protecting us from the hammers and radio (always playing country music) and drills and dry wallers.  It was one of the best Christmas seasons I can remember as a mom.

That was 2016 and last year I did my best to be intentional with our calendar again because the previous year was good.  This year I plan to do the same.  Why?

Because I believe I’m a better mom and wife when there is margin in our days and weeks, especially during the holidays.

Also, I believe my husband is a better husband and father and my kids behavior isn’t all over the place.

Why is Margin Important?

Have you ever experienced unprovoked frustration, anxiety, or stress and can’t pinpoint where it came from?  Check your calendar.  Emily P. Freeman, author and podcaster, offered me this question recently on her podcast The Next Right Thing: When you’re rested, what no longer seems like a big deal?

To which I answered: mostly everything.

Rest happens when we create margin in our days and weeks to do the things we love with the ones we love, to be spontaneous, to not feel hurried or rushed or frazzled.  Margin is vital so we can feed our soul with good things, with rest, and be joyful, loving, and sane to our people.

How do I create margin?

You might be thinking this is a terrible time to discuss margin.  Thanksgiving lies just weeks ahead and beyond that Christmas with all the parties, gifts to buy, and the Christmas bucket list to first create and then complete.  But, friends, I think it’s the perfect time to think about creating margin.  It’s the ideal time and opportunity to be intentional about how we spend our time so we can create a holiday season that looks and feels the way we want it to.  We can be present with our people and remember the reason we are doing all this anyway: to celebrate the birth of a king.  So, let’s get to it, here’s how we can create some space so we aren’t crazy people these next few months.

1. Dream.

This might seem silly, but let’s not skip this one.  Let’s sit down alone or with our spouse and discuss what we want the next few months to look like practically (i.e. what’s on our calendar) and feel like (peaceful, stress free, etc.).  Write down what we want to do and any obligations we already have in place (gift shopping, parties, you get the idea).  This is the first step and the dreaming step, so I make sure and include things like: Watch a Christmas movie together, Have a stay-in-our-pajamas-day, Sit by the fire with a good book.  These may not be events or things we have to go to, but I want to include them because I want to make sure they happen.  Next, make a list of things we really don’t want to do (the mall Santa, 4:00 a.m. Black Friday, that one party, etc.).

2. Sit down and look at the calendar.

No glancing over or skipping this one.  Let’s really take a look at our calendars and plot out all the things we want to do.  The Santa visit, the cookie baking, the family dinners, the shopping, the decorating of the tree.  It doesn’t matter if we actually do the thing on the specific day, it’s just important to plot it out to get a visual of what all the things will look like on the calendar.  Let’s use pencil or our calendar or notes app.

3. Evaluate.

Basically, now we get to decide if it’s realistic.  Taking into account the obligations we have and the things we want to do, can we ‘do it all’ and not act like crazy people?  We all are able to handle different levels of extroverting and doing.  For example, my husband and I are both introverts.  However, on the weekend I love a good morning outing for fun Christmas-y things while he would rather stay around home and do something festive.  I think there is a way to do both with a little give and take.  Let’s involve our spouses in this to keep everyone smiling and on the same page.

4. Cut and Say No.

This may or may not be fun.  If there is too much (and there probably is), what needs to go?  We have to ask the tough questions if we are going to create margin for our family to enjoy the next few months.  Do we really need to go see every Santa in town?  Is the Christmas tree lighting downtown necessary?  Do we truly love bouncing around to every holiday party we get invited to?  Maybe a better question: Do we like the way our kids act after bouncing around to every holiday party?

We need to make some hard calls and cut out the things that could be good things because we need to save ourselves for the most important people: our families.

As a serial people pleaser, saying ‘no’ has been a hard skill for me to learn.  But, I have found it to be necessary if I want to live an intentional life.  I don’t want to get into the why and the freedom in it, but here is a great line I use if there is something I need to say ‘no’ to: ‘__________ sounds like so much fun and I would really love to participate, but I need to say no this year.  Thanks for thinking of me.’  If I get asked on the spot (this is so hard), I say I need some time to look at my calendar or check with family and then shoot a text, email, or give a call the very next day to graciously decline or accept.  Saying ‘no’ isn’t easy, but I think it’s worth it.

5. Be sure there is margin.

We all know this, but don’t want to believe it: Things will come up.

We will forget to pick up Great Aunt Jane’s gift.

Wrapping will take longer than we thought.  So will putting together gifts for our kids. (I’m looking at you IKEA.)

Making a fancy Christmas dish will inevitably turn out great except for the fact it took an hour longer to prepare and there goes doing our hair.

We will forget we said we would bring this thing to this function, but remember at 9:00 p.m. the night before.

Things come up.

Leaving margin in our calendar will help us to not lose it all when one of the above mentioned things happen.  We can be calm, cool, and collected because we haven’t crammed 1,744 things into six weeks.  It still won’t be fun to make 24 Christmas goodie bags at 9:00 p.m., but we will have the margin and it won’t completely undo us.

6.  Remember Why

We are creating margin so we can be more fully present with the people most important to us.  We want to be sane and joyful and fun to be around.  We want to be Mary and not Martha if we can help it.  We want to bring the birth of a precious baby who came to save the world to the forefront and let everything else come second.  These are the reasons we create margin.  Let’s remember them.

I think we can create some margin this holiday season with a little bit of planning and a whole lot of intentionality.  If we start thinking about this now, the Christmas season won’t just happen to us, we can have a say in how it plays out.  Who’s in?