I am curled in the side of the couch, legs covered with a blanket, glass of water and husband next to me. He sits a few feet away, his body turned towards mine. All our babies are tucked under their covers and the walls of our house are abruptly quiet.
It’s a Wednesday night and after the flurry of getting the kids in from church, the kids telling Daddy all about their night, and getting them dressed and put to bed, I let out a sigh I didn’t know I had in me.
I roll onto my side and we begin to chat. First about the kids and their milkshakes they ate on the way home. Then about work and school and a trip we want to take. Our conversation bounces around as we actually look at one another and share a thirty minute ‘night cap’ on the couch.
Dating my husband has looked different these past 11 1/2 years, but it is always worthwhile. Dates help us to be on the same page as we navigate this life. It allows us to remember why we decided to spend the rest of our lives together in the first place. It gives us shared experiences and time for real conversations we wouldn’t otherwise be able to have with littles running around our feet. Time together gives us a chance to talk about parenting and family goals and us. Dates help our relationship to stay healthy and thrive. And when our relationship is healthy, it models a good marriage relationship for our kids and supports them in feeling safe and secure in our family. In my experience, dating my husband has been a worthy investment I will make over and over again.
But, I’ll be honest, dates have not always come easy, especially these past six years. We have had three babies in six years and another one will join us in six short months. We have had to be creative in how we connect and intentional with dating each other.
Parenthood looks a lot different from one year to the next. One moment we are running on three hours of sleep and our ‘clean’ shirt has spit up down the front. The next moment we’re shuttling kids to preschool and then soccer games and swim lessons. It all changes so quickly.
In each of those moments of parenthood, I believe there is room for a thirty minute ‘night cap’ with a spouse. Or maybe there isn’t room, but we make room anyway. You see, Kevin and I aren’t even close to being through every parenthood season, yet, but the ones we have been through I know I want him and I to be on the same page. We need to be united, connected, a team. And I have found we can only be a team by spending some time together, usually without the distraction of our sweet blessed children.
Here are some ways we have intentionally made dates work in every season of parenthood:
Have a date after the kids go to bed.
There are about one million ideas out there on how to have a date at home, but I think it’s most important to simply have a date. Put it on the calendar, plan to actually put the kids down on time, and make it happen. I am a big fan of writing things down because I think it actually helps to make the thing happen, hence putting it on the calendar.
Kevin and I have done this many times in different seasons when it was just impossible to get out of the house for a date. All it takes is a little intentionality and maybe a bit of creativity. Honestly, most of our at home dates look like a glass of wine and some uninterrupted conversation. But, creativity breeds creativity so anything goes here. Games, books, a date in a box, take out. I think if we make dates fun and worthwhile for both ourselves and our spouse, it will produce a bigger return on investment.
Have a mini happy hour.
In newborn seasons when we aren’t putting a baby to bed until late at night, we have opted for a mini happy hour. Basically I make a super simple meat and cheese board and we might open a bottle of wine. There have been times we put on a show for the bigs while the baby is taking a nap and have a thirty minute conversation without (much) distraction. We did this when we were in the trenches and we made due the best we could.
Start the day together.
Kevin and I have not personally done this, but I have heard other couples who do it almost everyday. Before the kids get up in the morning, these couples have coffee together, pray and start their day before the kids roll from their beds. If time seems obsolete a little sacrifice may be needed to get up early and squeeze in some time together.
Get out of the house with a kid swap.
This is another one Kevin and I haven’t tried, but I have heard moms rave about it. Basically these moms find another family that lives close by whom they trust. Then they ask if they would be willing to swap kids once a month for a date night. There is not sitter fee AND a date is in the books each month!
Find a good sitter.
Good babysitters are like gold to parents. We have had a few good ones since we have started having kids and it’s always selfishly heartbreaking to see them grow up and get jobs in the real world. But when we have found a good sitter, we will do much to hold onto him/her.
A few tips on how to find a good sitter: look and ask around for middle school girls. Why? Middle school girls still love playing with kids, they don’t have a loaded extracurricular schedule, and they are around through high school. The only downfall of a middle school girl is she won’t be able to drive, but she makes up for it with her enthusiasm. A place to look for these sitters are girls serving at church in the kids’ ministry and nursery. There are some gems hiding in there, just itching to babysit. Finding a good sitter has given us freedom we didn’t know existed with littles at home.
Don’t be afraid to ask.
We have been blessed with some amazing sets of grandparents who are willing to watch our kids. All families are different, but I think it’s worthwhile to ask grandparents for help. Many of them are just waiting to be asked to step in and help.
A shift happened for me when I looked at it from their perspective. When my babies have babies, would I want to be asked to babysit? Yes, yes, YES. It would be an absolute joy and blessing to watch my grand babies someday. Like I said earlier, all families are different, but I think it’s worth an ask.
Dating in our marriage has been one of the best things Kevin and I have done for our marriage and family. It’s not always Instagram worthy, but has definitely been worthwhile. Tell me, how do you date your spouse?
Thanks for the tips! I’m a first time mom and dating my husband is a challenge as my baby’s sleeping routine is not yet well established.. So what we usually do, as you mentioned..once baby goes to bed, we spend a mini happy hour together..maybe eat popcorn and watch a movie in the living room..phones out and no distractions. I couldn’t imagine how you do it with more kids. You’re doing a good job!
I love that you try and not have any distractions during the time with your husband!! Thanks so much for sharing…we are going to be in the newborn stage in about another six months, so it’s a good reminder that getting in connection during that first year isn’t always easy, but so worth it. Thanks again for sharing!