150 people. Can you count and name each and every person close to you? Would your list be long? Say more than 150 people?
Robin Dunbar, an anthropologist, hypothesized 150 people as being the amount of close, stable relationships a human can maintain. The term used to describe this hypothesis is Dunbar’s number. Since Dunbar’s number was first proposed in the 1990s, he has conducted considerable research to both support and explore this idea further.
When I first heard about Dunbar’s number, I thought 150 was a lot of close relationships to maintain, but then I started counting. When I add up family and friends, the number gets big, quick. Dunbar describes the group of 150 as being ‘the number of people you would not feel embarrassed about joining uninvited for a drink if you happened to bump into them in a bar’. When described that way, my introverted self immediately crossed some names off my list. #introvertsamiright
There are more details to Dunbar’s hypothesis including the layers of relationships. He describes the first layer as being five people with whom you are closest with (probably family members and best friends), followed by layers of 15, 50, and then 100 people. Different articles have cited the max number of close relationships can be as low as 100 for some people and as high as 250 for more extroverted humans.
When I first heard about Dunbar’s number, I was a bit skeptical, but then it came together for me. I asked myself how many people can I maintain relationships with meaning a.) I know what’s going on in their life because b.)we communicate regularly. Everything is relative in this life, so communicating regularly looks a lot different today than it did when I was in college living, breathing, and doing dishes with seven roommates. But, I do believe this definition is a good measure of relationship and I do believe my capacity to maintain stable relationships has possibly diminished since my college days (just a tad). Raising tiny humans will do that to you.
As a mom of three and one on the way, I crave deep, meaningful relationships. I want to truly know someone and for them to know me. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the really ugly. I want to be able to tell someone about the day I apologized five times to my kids and the morning I bribed my kids with chocolate bars to not touch a single thing at Hobby Lobby. Honestly, I don’t have a lot of time (or energy) to fake it. And I have found that means the number of meaningful relationships is probably lower than I (or anyone for that matter) would expect. Lower, but better. I’m not sure what Dunbar says about parent-child relationships (or season of life), but I am thinking my children are in my close five, seeing as I spend almost every waking minute with their sweet faces.
With Dunbar’s layering, he leaves room for relationships that don’t go super deep, but are good, fun, valuable, and sometimes necessary. Bottom line: he states you still have a lot of friends, our brains are just wired to be in tight community with a select few.
So my big takeaway from Dunbar’s research?
I want to focus on going deep with those most important to me. I want to make the phone call, write the letter, call my mom, check in with the friend, play with my kids, go on a date with my husband. I want to maintain those relationships, meaning I am in close community with the ones I deeply care for and love. It’s shown me I need to make the effort to love on the ones I love.
What about you? Does this research resonate with you? Why or why not?