Before you get started, please know Part 1 of Jack’s Journey Home includes some hard things. The valley before the peak, if you will…
Sometimes the unexpected happens. It comes crashing into you, uninvited, from a blind spot and hits a part of you, you didn’t realize was there. It paralyzes you, leaves you unable to control yourself: your emotions, your fear, your hurt, your tears. It tries to control your every thought, your every feeling, your every movement. Then it slowly, carefully recedes into the shadows, only coming into the light at the most inopportune times. In those moments it makes you react and feel and experience those emotions all over again. It takes you over, if only for a passing moment. Grief, loss, the unexpected.
Spring 2018
I took a pregnancy test, two in fact, and they were positive. I had known for around a week I was pregnant. When it’s your fourth, you start to recognize the signs your body produces. I was excited, giddy even. Kevin and I were hoping to get pregnant with our fourth on a trip away and it had actually happened. Since we agreed this would be our last child, I wanted to make it special for him. So Thursday night we went to dinner at our favorite spot. We sat right by the door and ordered roasted chicken and beef bourguignon. In-between chatting about my parents and possibly purchasing a new t.v. stand for the living room, I knew it was time. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I blurted out…’So we’re going to have a baby.’ His eyes got a little wide and then settled back to normal and he squeezed my hand. ‘That didn’t take long’, he said. We proceeded to talk about this new life growing inside me, about how lucky we were to have three babies at home and to be gifted another one. We even admitted we felt a little guilty because we have dear dear friends we are praying for to get pregnant. Later that evening we headed to our Journey Group, where we studied the discipline of celebration. It seemed fitting since we were secretly celebrating a new life.
Thursday night we went to bed and the next morning I woke up a little before 5:00 a.m. with cramping. It felt like my period, but I rationalized it into the roasted chicken and asparagus from the night before. After lying in bed trying not to worry, I finally got up and went to the bathroom. Red stained water. Blood. I immediately knew. I walked into the living room where Kevin sat reading and told him. A chemical pregnancy.
Summer 2018
Time has passed. The loss of a baby months before still stings and at times brings tears to my eyes. Every month I pray for a baby, sometimes every hour. I have shared our loss and struggle with a few close girlfriends and they are praying, too.
We do the normal things: take summer road trips, go swimming, enjoy the midwest lazy summer days. But something still feels not quite right inside me. The smiles don’t come as easy and I seem to be distracted with NOT being pregnant.
I talk to a friend and she refers me to a chiropractor who helped her conceive her second child. I pray some more.
Fall 2018
After putting off the chiropractor for awhile, I finally make an appointment. Every few weeks I meet with a doctor and we change my diet extensively. I am eating mostly fruits, vegetables, lots of meat, and healthy fats. I am drinking three large pitchers of water a day. I feel really good physically, but still no positive pregnancy test.
I am still hopeful and praying.
Winter 2018
I knew before I took the test. I’m pregnant! All the feelings come to me at once: happiness for this new life and anxiety for all that could go wrong. I wait a few days to tell Kevin when we could be alone and he already had his suspicions. We are over-the-moon thrilled. It’s going to be a good Christmas.
