Author: Vanessa

Take rest; a field that has rested gives a bountiful crop.  -Ovid

Rest.  What does it look like?  How do we do it?  Is it necessary?

Those are questions I have been wrestling with as I have set forth on this journey to live with less and share my thoughts on the big old internet.  And deep down in my bones I know rest is good and essential and necessary.  God even rested.  And so should we.

As my Jen Hatmaker experiment winds down, I have been looking ahead into the month of July. We have lots of family time on the calendar this month and I want to be totally, utterly present with my people.  Enter rest.  I am going to be taking the month of July off from posting on the blog.  For a number of reasons, but two I want to share with you.

First, I am still going to write because I enjoy it so much, but I’m not going to hit the ‘publish’ button.  Instead, I am going to write about what I enjoy, what I am passionate about, and really whatever I feel like in Word and not on my blog site.  I am going to open myself up and not work within constraints I have put on myself.  I am going to be free as a bird writing about whatever catches my attention or tugs at my heart.  And I think sometimes when we rest from the normal everyday, something new and unexpected and beautiful can emerge.

Second (and most important), I want to be with my people.  We are going to be traveling a bit together and visiting new and interesting places and I want to be fully with them.  Taking a break from writing and posting will help me with that endeavor.

I will still be sharing some quotes and articles I front loaded onto A Simpler Motherhood Facebook page throughout the month of July.  This is already done and in place, so I can sit back and enjoy time with my family and some free, creative writing time.

What does rest look like for you?  This summer season is an opportune time to rest, at least for some of us.    Where can you fit it in?  How can you make it work?  My prayer for this month of July is rest will allow me to come back renewed and excited to create more meaningful work.

There is virtue in work and there is virtue in rest.  Use both and overlook neither.  -Alan Cohen

The sun is hot and my body is dripping with sweat before I leave the covered patio.  The heat permeates my translucent legs and arms as I step out from under the shade to take a seat in the dry, brittle grass.  My youngest, Jude, roams around in his sunhat and swim trunks, taking in the scene of his Daddy hauling a hose and water slide out into the yard.  About 15 minutes later the slip in slide of today (which is much more extravagant than I remember) is ready and the kids are literally jumping up and down with excitement.  Goggles and sunscreen on, they prepare to slide through the ice cold water with their Daddy.  Kevin goes first to ‘test it out’.  It’s a bit rough, he says, but it will do.  The next 30 minutes consist of Kevin taking slide after slide with our oldest, Luke, as I watch from the sidelines with Lily and Jude wandering to and from my lap and Grandma and Grandpa.  Eruptions of giggles and screams continuously spill from their throats and smiles as wide as the slip-in-slide itself are plastered on their faces.  Their Daddy is all in.  He is wet and sliding and smiling along with them.  He is in the moment, playing and laughing and being the kind of Dad I dreamed my kids would have one day.  He is all in.

Sometimes Dads get a bad rap.  We joke about them taking naps, watching football, and ‘babysitting’ their own kids.  Dads are sometimes perceived as the ‘secondary’ parent, the one who doesn’t do everything the ‘primary’ parent (aka Mom) does.  Many times that is the case because of necessity and circumstance and because they wear a lot of hats.  But, jokes and cliches aside, I wanted to recognize Dads and the immense value they bring to their families this Father’s Day weekend.

Luke, Lily, and Jude are blessed with a Dad who…

sets up and goes down the slip in slide when Momma wants to tan her pasty white legs in the grass.

goes to work everyday and shows them the importance of commitment, loyalty, and hard work.

puts together Lego sets when Momma’s eyes blur looking at the directions.

takes kids swimming and fishing and tractor riding and shows the boys how to go to the bathroom in the great outdoors (which is a VITAL skill that Mom can’t teach).

will stay up late to catch lightning bugs and read an extra story before bed ‘just because’.

will say ‘yes’ when Mom would have said ‘no’ because she is plain tuckered out.

kisses owies, dances in the living room, and goes as deep as he can in conversations about dolls, princesses, and the color pink.

shows them he loves and respects their Mommy with his kind words, long hugs, and helping hands.

stands for the truth and points them towards it at all times.

love them: big and strong and as wide as a slip in slide and will do anything to protect them.

Dads are an equal and vital part of raising healthy, kind, passionate and compassionate humans.  And when they are all in, their influence is unfathomable and important.

Obviously not all Dads do all the things all the time, but I’m sure if we look, really look at the fathers of our babies who are all in, we will see good things being developed and nurtured in our kids.

Research shows Dads who are all in make a difference in teenage delinquency, teen pregnancy, and depression.

All in Dads matter to our kids and our future world.  And my prayer today is they feel celebrated, respected, and valued.  Football and ‘babysitting’ jokes aside, these Dads are making this world a brighter, better, more beautiful place for us and our kids.  Happy Father’s Day to all you Dads out there!  And a few special shout outs: To my main man for being the very best Daddy to our babies.    To my father-in-law who plays with our kids every chance he gets and even cools the hot tub so they can go for a swim.  And to my own Dad who loved me enough to cheer me on at pageants and basketball games alike.  Thank you isn’t enough for loving me and Luke, Lily, and Jude the way you all do.

I walk into a store with a number representing an age I have long surpassed.  I stroll through the groupings of clothing; touching, observing, and taking in the jumpsuits, teeny tiny floral dresses with cut-outs, graphic tees and crop tops.  I estimate there are more pieces of clothing in this store at this moment than I could wear in a lifetime or maybe even ten lifetimes.  I look around and see girls as young as 13 with their moms.  I see young women sifting through the racks and then I see a sprinkling of women well over the age represented in the name of the store, myself included, looking for something age appropriate that might (fingers crossed) actually fit.  I walk out, purchase-less and head to a coffee shop to write and calm myself from the sensory overload.

Stores like the one I mentioned above offer ‘trendy’ clothing at an extremely low cost.  Their goal is to turn out new trends as quickly as possible to get consumers to buy as many garments as possible in a short amount of time.  Instead of four seasons a year, some in the fashion industry are churning out 52 micro-seasons a year.  It’s called fast fashion and for you math people out there that’s a new season every week.

Forever 21 and H&M get shipments of new styles daily and TopShop introduces 400 new styles each week on their website.  The fashion industry is capitalizing on the fact that we want to stay in style and ‘keep up’ with our peers and not be off trend.  Are leggings still okay?  Skinny jeans or wide leg?  Crop tops and overalls?  High waisted, cropped, frayed, dark wash, chambray?  On trend can mean something different to us all and yet many of us are trying to keep up with this ever-changing 52 week fashion cycle.

In 2014 on average, an American household spent $1,786 on apparel and related services.  Each year the U.S. spends about $250 million on the fashion industry.  And I will raise my hand right now and say I have spent more money than I care to think about on clothing and accessories in my lifetime.

Is there a need for change?  Does it matter if I buy another $10 shirt or those shoes that pair perfectly with a new floral dress?  I am starting to think it does.

If there is only one reason to slow down my clothing consumption, it is my kids.  Teaching them to consume wisely is important to me.  I want to raise humans who understand and believe their actions, even how they purchase their clothes, matter.

My hope is my kids will know about needs and wants and understand that just because we can doesn’t mean we should.

My hope is my kids will be generous with the resources they have been given and look for opportunities to give instead of always purchase.

My hope is my kids will someday learn about debt (before they get into any) and understand going into debt for purchases like clothes just isn’t smart.

And my biggest hope…

I pray my kids will realize the newest pair of sneakers or cute top won’t make them any cooler or smarter or funnier or more important.  I pray they will grow up knowing they are children of God and no piece of clothing will give them any more worth than that.

Now, let’s get real…

I buy clothes, lots of them.  I have four humans to clothe after all.  I shop at many labeled ‘fast fashion’ stores because they are reasonably priced and we are on a budget.  However, I am attempting to educate myself on how we can better use the resources we have to dress well more responsibly.  For us that looks like trying to shop secondhand and locally more and simply buying less.  It also means searching for higher quality items for Kevin and I and only shopping when we absolutely need to.  It will be tough because we need to slowly change our habits and routines and rhythms when it comes to clothes.  I think it can be done (with a TON of missteps along the way), but I know it will take time.  Lots and lots of time.

I would love to know if you have any tips or tricks for shopping and dressing responsibly.

Let’s end with this shall we…

I’ve been shopping my whole life and I still have nothing to wear. -Courtney Carver

#truth

If you’re following my experiment based on Jen Hatmaker’s book, 7: an experimental mutiny against excess, you already know I’m not going to be viewing Netflix, Amazon Prime, or any show, game or documentary on the television for the next month.  Kevin and I are going on a TV fast for the entirety of June.  Some of you are rolling your eyes because a month without TV isn’t a big deal and others of you don’t know how it can be done.  I feel you all.

After reading 7, I realized I did a lot of things out of comfort, predictability, and habit.  Many things I did throughout the day I didn’t even think about.  Checking my phone when I woke up in the morning, shopping on Amazon for the next thing I ‘needed’, turning on Netflix after all our babes were safely in their beds at night.  Habits, routines, and rhythms are good and helpful when they are done intentionally.  However, after some reflection, I found some of my habits and routines did not serve me, my family, or the greater good well.  Enter the 7 experiment.

Each night Kevin and I have a pretty specific and unvaried routine.  Such is life with little people who need routines and structure!  We play outside, eat dinner and clean up, go for a walk, take baths, then read books and tuck the kids into bed.  After the kids’ doors are closed and the sound machines are on, Kevin and I plop on the couch, have a short conversation, and watch about 20-30 minutes of a show.  This is so ingrained in us, we don’t have to think at all about it.  I’ll be honest, there are even times we are both so tired there is no conversation and the remote is pressed and we are deep in The Office reruns or Poldark or some other PBS Masterpiece Classic.  But, in the month of June there will be no Poldark.  There will be no Netflix or Amazon Prime after the kids go to bed at night.  We are taking a break.

So, instead of numbing my brain (which I like quite a bit), I am going to be trying to have more conversations with the person I do life with everyday.  Also, I will be picking up a book.  A tangible, real book written by someone somewhere.  It will have real paper pages and a story between it’s covers.  And I will have to use my actual brain to follow the story line or pick up on the message the author is illustrating.  I have generated a list of books I want to read this summer.  Most of them are recommendations from podcasts as well as Anne over at Modern Mrs. Darcy.  I wanted to share my list with you.  I’m sure I will not get through them all in June, but maybe?  Who knows with limited interaction with a glowing screen.

Here they are:

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Anne of Green Gables by L.M Montgomery

The Giver by Lois Lowry

Exit West by Mohsin Hamid

The Wedding Date by Jasmine Guillory

I Shall Be Near to You by Erin Lindsay McCabe

Happiness for Beginners by Katherine Center

Big Little Lies by Liane Moriarty

Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis

Educated by Tara Westover

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

The Shell Seekers by Rosamunde Pilcher

Gilead by Marilynne Robinson

A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes

Don’t Let’s Go to the Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller

That’s it!  I am going to do my best to pick most of these up at the library.  I used to one click books from Amazon every time a new title piqued my interest, but I have been loving ‘ordering’ books from the library online.  They put them on the hold shelf for me and all I have to do is walk in and check them out.  It’s almost as convenient as online grocery shopping.

Do you have any book recommendations?  I am looking for classics, modern fiction and memoirs, and some really good Christian books for women.  I would love to add them to my list!

Summer officially starts in just a few short weeks, but it already feels like it here in the midwest.  The grass is green, flowers are blooming (and need watering everyday), and the temperature is rising higher and higher.  Although I loathe the air conditioner, we finally turned it on last week because it was hot, even for me.

This past spring I put together my first real capsule wardrobe and actually implemented it.  As summer-like weather has started to come in waves, I have realized I am not prepared with my spring wardrobe, so I am starting my summer one a few weeks early.  And although I had the goal to make it to June 21, that’s just not going to happen people.  #grace

Summer encompasses the feeling of childhood.  Long days spent running through the sprinkler and playing on the swing set.  Drawing on the cement with sidewalk chalk and picking juicy fruit off big bushes.  Plucking up dandelions and blowing bubbles.  Swimming and sunscreen and swim suits.  Summer really is a magical time.  Summer also means less clothing because if you live where we do, the heat and humidity make even a tank top unbearable some days.

My summer capsule wardrobe is made up of low key, easy pieces.  I don’t want to think too much about what I’m going to wear during these short months of nice weather because, let’s be honest, I just want to be doing all the summer things.  I want to be able throw something on and move freely and comfortably in the clothes I’m in while looking as put together as possible.  Since there aren’t as many clothes needed in the summertime, I found my capsule wardrobe being smaller and more versatile.  I’m pretty happy with the way it came together.  My capsule wardrobe is made up of the clothes I wear outside my home.  It does not include clothing I wear outside to do chores.  #farmlife My parameters for my capsule wardrobe is I had to love and feel good in each piece.

This time around I did a little shopping because I was lacking in some warm weather attire.  I went to Altar’d State (which I love) and found two racer back tank tops and a pair of linen shorts.  I love these tanks because I can wear them with shorts and they are long enough to wear with leggings (I’m short).  And these linen shorts are SO comfortable, I’m sure I will be living in them.

I am still on the hunt for a casual dress, but I am okay if I don’t find it this season.

Here is the breakdown:

17 tops

2 dresses

4 pairs of shoes

3 pairs of pants

5 pairs of shorts

2 swimming suits

1 swim cover up

This totals out at 34 pieces, 6 less than my spring wardrobe.  I am excited about this summer capsule wardrobe and we will see if I make it to September 22 with only the items listed.

Tell me, are you implementing a capsule wardrobe this summer?  If you are, check out this  free printable to get you started.

Water is beginning to boil on the stove, preparing itself to produce tender noodles.  My two bigs are playing cars in the living room and dining room.  Back and forth they go from one room to the next calling out orders to one another.  My 15 month old is at my feet, playing with a stack of cups, taking a sip of milk in-between stacking and unstacking them (it’s his favorite thing at the moment).  My ears are overwhelmed with all the sounds.  Good sounds of real, alive little people growing and changing and creating in my midst.

As I pour the noodles into the pan, I hear the glorious sound of the garage door.  Daddy is home.  I let out a sigh I didn’t know I was holding back and smiled inside.  Relief, happiness, and contentment spread through my body as the kids stand at the baby gate, waiting for their Daddy to stride up the steps.  Hugs and about one thousand words spill out of my kids’ mouths as they tell him about the game they are playing.  Baby in one hand, he pulls me close and asks ‘how was your day?’  After competing with my kids to get a few words in edgewise about our day, our main man heads down the hall to change from his 8-5 gear into shorts and a t-shirt.  Five minutes later he is back and as I finish preparing dinner, we chat.  The kids graciously give us time before dinner to discuss the day and our newest podcast learnings about the keto diet, relearning stuff as an adult, and an unbelievable, sad story about brave military men fighting for our freedom.  And then the semi-controlled chaos ensued with dinner, an adventure outside, then baths and bed.

In the season of raising babes up to be kind, loving human beings, it’s easy for my relationship with my husband to be shelved for awhile to do the vital, nonnegotiable work of caring for little humans.  And it does get pushed to the side often.  But I find when Kevin and I take time to connect, to look at each other and have a real discussion about things other than schedules and kids, it does something.  It binds us, builds us stronger.  The definition of connect is: ‘bring together or into contact so that a real or notional link is established’.  When we let the kids play for an extra ten minutes before dinner and have a conversation, we connect and build a ‘notional link’.

A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. -Andre Maurois 

Connecting with my husband on a random Tuesday night yields other benefits as well.  One, I like him more.  This sounds silly, but I noticed a feeling of fondness towards him on nights when we are able to pause the noise and look at each other.  The connection we form in a ten minute conversation helps me to see my husband as the loving, amazing human being that he is and not just as a person who completes certain tasks and duties.  Another benefit is I know what is going on in his world.  I know how to love and serve him better because we have real, actual dialogue.  And let’s be real, talking with my better half helps me to stay sane.  Staying at home with my kids is my dream come true, but some interaction with my spouse is absolutely vital for me to not lose my marbles.

Research done by Sarah M. Flood and Katie R. Genadek reports couples with children spend less time together than non parents, which is not surprising to any of us.  (I love when research proves common sense.)  But, their research also showed couples who spent time together were happier and had less stress during the time spent with a spouse when contrasted to time spent apart.  So we know time spent together is vital and life-giving and good.

Connecting with a spouse looks different in different seasons.  Six years ago we had an abundance of time to chat, complete projects together, and dream.  If you would have told me then I would be thrilled with talking to my husband for ten minutes before dinner, I would have questioned our ability to have a solid marriage in the midst of having children.  But, we don’t know what we don’t know.  Things change, we adjust, we make concessions, and we make it work because family is oh so worth it.  Those ten minutes are what we can do right now day to day in between weekend getaways every six months or so and the random date nights.  Every season is different, just like in the next season of carpool and soccer games we will have to find creative ways to connect.  Whatever season of life, connection with a spouse helps a marriage to thrive, which in turn helps us women to thrive in other areas.   A solid marriage aids us to be happier moms, daughters, employees, and friends.

How do you connect with your spouse?  Maybe it’s a phone call in the middle of the day.  Maybe it’s coffee before the babes wake.  Maybe it’s a glass of wine after all is quiet at the end of the day.   Maybe it’s a walk as the kids ride their bikes.  Maybe you’re in a season of date nights and trips away.  Whatever brings you closer, whatever helps you to connect, I challenge myself and you readers to try and be intentional about making it happen as often as you can.  How can you connect today?

My phone beeps again.  I pick it up in one hand, baby in the other.  I push the home button and scroll to the text that just came in from a friend.  Yes, we are still meeting up.  I place it on the counter as Lily tries to grab it from my hand.  Five minutes later my phone makes the all-too-familiar sound informing me something is happening in my social media world.  This time it’s someone tagging me on Facebook.  I glance at it quickly and then stuff it into my diaper bag and start to corral Luke with one hand and buckle Lily in her car seat with my other hand.  We’re five minutes late leaving the house.  We get down the stairs, out the door, into car seats and I sigh the sigh every mother lets out once the kids are buckled safely into the seats they cannot escape from.  I start the car just as my phone lights up with another text from my friend.  She’s running late, too.

Phones, Tablets, Televisions, Screens.  They all equate to moments, minutes, hours of distraction.  Distraction is defined as ‘a thing that prevents someone from giving full attention to something else’.  My phone beeps, I take my attention away from my baby.  It lights up, my attention is taken away, yet again, from getting out the door.  It makes the all-too-familiar sound and I am checking it to be sure I’m not missing anything.  And, of course I’m not.

In my story above from a little over two years ago, nothing tragic happened.  No one was seriously injured.  My kids were still living, still breathing even though I checked my phone three times in ten minutes.  There was no destruction from my distraction.  Or was there?

Since that time, I have been trying to change my distraction habits a bit.  Don’t get me wrong, I am plenty distracted almost my entire life because #children.  But, I am working on, striving, journeying towards not being distracted by other things.  More precisely, my phone.  My email, texts, Facebook, Instagram, Marco Polo, Whats App, Amazon, Etsy, Pinterest, Messenger.  All the things that compete for my attention with their dings and lights and notifications.

About a year ago I shut off most of the notifications on my phone.  I no longer am notified if someone tags me on Instagram or Facebook, if someone likes my posts or comments on them.  I’m not notified if I get a new email, or if someone messaged me on Messenger or Whats App or Marco Polo.  The only notifications I have turned on come from my text messages and I have debated turning those off as well.  Why?

Distraction, my friends.  I found a year ago I was manically checking my phone way too often than I’d like to admit.  I checked every email that came across my screen as soon as I saw it and I was close to obsessive about the likes and comments on Facebook and Instagram.  I was craving the next ding, whether I knew it or not.  Not only was I craving something completely not worthwhile, that craving took me away from the people right in front of me.  It took me away from seeing my one year old giggle at her brother and from the game of hide and seek my two littles were playing in a room.  It took me away from giving myself completely to a friend’s story when we were together.  It took me away from my husband.  Many nights after the babes were in bed I was swiping my finger across a screen instead of having a real, live conversation with my best friend.  It took me away from the life that was right in front of me.

An article published by Saga Briggs at informED stated adults spends over 20 hours online each week, with a third of that time spent on social media.  The article also discusses the impact of digital media on the brain.  Attention, memory, thought, empathy, meta-awareness, and attitude are six specific areas in which the digital world can affect our brains.  The one that struck me the most was empathy.  In his book The Shallows, Nicholas Carr writes: “Distractions could make it more difficult for us to experience deep emotions,” he explains. “This kind of culture of constant distraction and interruption undermines not only the attentiveness that leads to deep thoughts, but also the attentiveness that leads to deep connections with other people.”

I am writing about this now because a few months back our church had Skye Jethani speak and his sermon was on technology.  He spoke on phones and social media in particular.  Skye gave me a refresher on some bad habits I needed to break (I was carrying my phone around in my pocket) and some good ones I needed to bring back (like taking a sabbatical from social media).  Skye also discussed the way technology is changing our brains.  I needed this wake up call to recenter and refocus on what is truly important.  And my phone just isn’t it.

Now, I am still on social media.  I am still connecting with friends on various platforms.  I am not a luddite.  I still enjoy social media…a lot.  I am just trying to implement boundaries now.  Turning off notifications was a start to the boundaries I needed.  I check my email and other media a few times a day, usually when the kids are sleeping or busy playing.  I am trying really hard to place my phone by my computer when I’m at home instead of carrying it in my pocket.  I do my best to avoid mindlessly scrolling through Facebook as much as possible because I have found it’s just not good for my mood or my brain.  And I allow myself grace to not respond to every text, email, or message immediately.  And I know my friends are extending me grace as well.  (Thanks, girls!)

I still have a long ways to go.  I still catch myself moving towards bad habits at times and find I need to course correct again and again and again.  And I think I always will.  In our ever changing, technology driven world, I’m afraid distraction will always be an obstacle.  But, I don’t want distraction to become my normal.  I want to be intentional, active to combat it so I don’t lose sight of the things that matter most: the people right in front of me.